Personal

Journal Entry #1

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 11:08:50 -0500

2013 didn’t start off so hot, and I really want to rewind and have another shot at this year. I’ve lost 4 people close to my family through deaths and have literally stopped contacting everyone I used to. I most likely won’t ever talk to my ex ever again, and that hurts. It hurts to know that you could fuck up so much that someone will never talk to you again. It also hurts knowing I did something stupid, and still can’t admit to it. I also don’t like how aggressive I’ve become. I’ve lost all sense and patience in any manner, and instantly get violent. I’m not looking for fights, I’m creating them. I run my mouth. I talk shit about people. I scream out loud vulgar things when people irritate me. I’ve lost all will to move forward. I just keep digging a bigger and bigger hole. I’m pretty much fed up, and have been contemplating suicide now for about a week. I’ve also come very close to cutting. I feel empty. I need something. I just don’t know what!

Today

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 15:01:49 -0500

Today, I realized how fast people come into your life, and how much faster they leave your life. I’m just gonna remain quiet, and stick to myself, because I’m awkward at conversations anyway, and people don’t like me. I’m not the likeable kind. I’m just me. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m far from my biggest fan as well, but a small part of me actually likes me for who, what, where, when, why, and how I am. It’s been a long 22 years. Probably with at least another 50 years left. I’m not depressed, or sad, or really anything. I’m mostly disappointed in myself, and therefore am choosing to look sad, and quiet. I’m just not one for over-exploiting my flaws, and today, it seems as though people are going to take advantage of my quietness. I’m kinda all over the road here, so yeah…bye.

THINKING WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. FUCK THIS..

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 21:58:43 -0500

THINKING WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. FUCK THIS..

Rough night kind of.

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 00:09:29 -0500

I find myself thinking of you. I don’t know why. I have no reason to do that. I just hope you’re okay. Wherever you may be. I’m terrible at letting go. I just don’t wanna see your life wrecked by what I did. I hope you’ve found some good in your life. I hope you smile all the time. I hope you never cry. I hope whoever loves you next, loves you 90 times more than I ever even tried. You’ll be fine. I’ll be fine, eventually as well. I’m already over what we had. The memories start to slip away, day by day, leaving a void, that I hope more memories will fill soon.

If the guy I love so much could be beside me right now, then none of this would matter, because he makes everything better. EVERYTHING. Doesn’t matter how bad it is..

reblogging again, because this is perfect lolol

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 07:40:36 -0400

reblogging again, because this is perfect lolol

the0riginalginga: crazycakescasey: new video xD it’s kinda...

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 23:59:05 -0400

the0riginalginga:

crazycakescasey:

new video xD it’s kinda sad. Don’t judge me.

Pwease like and reblog! This is soo cool. Casey, job well done my friend :3 <3

Seriously though, let’s get this through all of Tumblr :p

reblogging again :3

Well

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 00:03:29 -0400

I really want to talk more to him. I don’t really know much about him, but I know that he is shy, and it shows. I wish he would open up. Maybe the age difference? I hate my age. I hate how everyone on here is just too young to even be associated with. I’m sick of meeting all these perfect people, and then realizing that they are like half my age. You can’t be perfect, if you’re half my age omg. I’m so done with everything.

I say that now, and sure enough, I’ll just be right back into it tomorrow. Stupid. I’m so stupid. Ugh.

In Memory Of Jamey: Day 7: To the Rest of My Life

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 15:54:04 -0400

In Memory Of Jamey: Day 7: To the Rest of My Life:

the0riginalginga:

Today was a good day! I’m not going to dwell on it much, because when I do, the next day sucks balls. I’m finally happy again. Well, generally happy. Not saying that its perfect, but it is getting better and better, as the days go on. Its nice, when you meet someone, and get a chance to talk to…

Day 6: To the Rest of My Life

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:12:29 -0400

Truthfully, I should be riding the high I was on Thursday. Work got stressful today. Knocked me down, but far from out. I woke up at like 5, and could remember telling myself, that I’m far from ready to go to work, so I laid back down, and a co-worker came and got me. Small victory for the day? I got my bike back yo. I’m so amp’d up to get back on the old thing. Been broken for so long, that I literally almost forgot how it glides. How it shifts. How it dominates. I love to fly, and it provides plenty of speed. It is quite the machine. I love it. I love biking..period. It is refreshing. Keeps me jacked up. Keeps me going. Makes me look forward to going anywhere. The bike is a release. It is my way of saying goodbye to the world, and hello to my imagination. My imagination runs wild on the bike. It runs wild all the time. I wish I could stop it. Turn it off. Make it shut up. Unfortunately, voices in your head, are almost uncontrollable. When you allow them to creep in, they take over. They feast. They start to whisper, ever so slowly getting louder, and louder. Makes me scream at times. Makes me want to seek out a social encounter, just to drain out the sound. I miss having someone to talk to night in and night out. I’m currently bugging the shit out of this one guy, praying that he gives me some sort of time, and day. I need something. Anything. I’m so desperate, it is sad. It is stupid. How hard is it, to just be alone? Why can’t I just be me? Why do I constantly have to search for this? Why do I fuck it up, once I find it? How do I avoid doing that?

I honestly feel like a kid. Asking questions, that are basically unanswerable.

Days Clean: 6

Days without Cuts: 6

Days without thinking of Suicide: 2

Days Real: 3

Tomorrow, I think Day 7 is going to be a video entry. We’ll see though. Depends on what is going on.

Day 5: To the Rest of My Life

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 00:03:14 -0400

What can I say? Today, was the best day I’ve had in over a month. I was on it today. I was in beast mode. I felt good. I felt like I looked good. I think I made a new friend. He bro-zoned me though ._. Like, I’m okay with it, but fuck. Anyways, shit happens. Back to today. Today was just awesome. I literally felt it the minute I rolled out of bed. You look at the mirror, and on goes the game face. You feel it. You can smell it. You can almost taste it. You just feel fucking awesome. I felt jacked up. I felt ready to go. I felt like I didn’t have a damn thing to worry about. Did I say I was on cloud 9? I sure as hell felt like it. Why? I don’t know. Maybe not having the internet has helped. Maybe just being real has helped too. I don’t know. I just wanna scream. As awesome as today was, I still feel like I’m missing something. Something. Something, that just doesn’t seem to exist. How do you find something, that doesn’t exist? I’ll tell you though, I’ll find it. Even if it doesn’t exist, I’ll search for the next 70 years to find that damn thing. I’ll search high. I’ll search low. I’ll search every god damn square inch of this Earth, if I have to. Is having a close relationship with someone off the internet, a key here? I bet you it is. That’s all I want. I don’t want anything to happen out of it. I just want someone to talk to with. Joke around with. Someone, that will honestly give a shit, but not go any further, then just being friends. I thought Caleb would have been perfect for that. Then I ruined it. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling like I ruined his life. I did fuck up, but he chooses to do what he does. I don’t. Therefore, I don’t need to be held accountable for this shit. That’s why today was awesome. I finally don’t have that regret anymore. Today, I just finally let go, and said fuck it.

Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Bring. It. On.

Days Clean: 5

Days without thinking of Suicide: 1

Days without Cutting: 5

Days being Real: 2

These numbers are spread out. Quite a bit actually. I hope to bring these numbers up to a very high level. The clean number, and the cut number, should stay pretty even, with the number of the journal entry.

Day 4: To the Rest of My Life

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 22:26:51 -0400

Anyone else feel like I’m writing some sort of story here? Okay, just checking. Today was a fucking disaster. Mentally? I was just done. Physically? Not bad, but I could have used a Red Bull, or something, to get me going. I always tell myself, once you start off sluggish, expect the rest of the day to be just as bad. I figured, maybe, I could pull myself out of the funk I found myself in. Unfortunately, no such luck was to be made at all. Even having a Swiss Chalet for lunch, (which is getting really fucking disgusting lately) wasn’t doing it for me. I was just mentally drained. Too much thinking if you will. Lauren is busy doing whatever, so she hasn’t been able to Skype. I’m too afraid to ask Brian for attention. I’m too afraid to ask anyone for attention. I think one of the reasons I found being with Caleb great, was that we always talked. Now, not having anyone to converse with, is tearing me apart. Hence why I stepped away from everything. Time to be alone. Time to force myself to be alone. No more of this bullshit. No more feeling like you need to talk to someone 24/7. It was me for 17 years, before I discovered the magical powers of the internet. Time to go back to those days. I don’t know. Maybe this is good? Maybe this is bad? Maybe withdrawal will set in, and surely I’ll crack? I’m not sure. I’m not sure about anything, anymore. I cry, a lot. For no reason either. I just cry. I just burst out in tears, and feel empty inside. I scream for you, but you don’t come. I scream for anyone to come, which no one does. I feel trapped. Trapped inside the body of a 75 year old man, dying of a rare cancer. Except, the 75 year old man is already dead inside, because his children and grandchildren don’t care about him. Don’t care to ask how he is. Don’t care to check up on him. Don’t care to tell him they love him. Don’t care. That’s all that runs through my mind these days. Carelessness. The act of not caring. Care. I want to care for someone. I want to be cared for. Really, I just want a reason to breathe again. I don’t do anything to deserve this. I had it. At least, I think I had it. I second question everything about that now. I feel like it wasn’t real. I feel like Amy wasn’t real. I feel like I fell in love with two people that don’t exist. People made-up in my mind. I wish I someone could explain the difference between reality and kayfabe, because right now, they both seem the same. Interlocked between each other, like a pretzel. A pretzel is a very complex object, wouldn’t you agree? I consider my brain to be similar to a pretzel. So many nots, that even I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, let alone someone trying to love me.

Work really got to me today too, which doesn’t happen often. I was losing it though. Even my boss was like, ‘are you okay?’ I remember just snapping back, screaming that I was. Why would I do that? Why? I don’t know. Stupid. Only if FF actually existed in real life. That would’ve been excellent for today.

The greatest thing to happen today, was a hug from Lisa. I needed it. I needed someone to just say ‘its okay’ and mean it, for once.

Days clean: 4

Days without cuts: 4

Days without thinking about suicide: 0

Days real: 1

Just a correction from yesterday, and that is under the ‘Days Real’ category. Technically, it should have been 0, therefore, today counts as 1, I would guess. Also, yes. I contemplated suicide at lunch. It ran through my mind, so I couldn’t escape it. Oh well. I’ll try harder tomorrow.

Day 3: To the Rest of My Life

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 22:22:03 -0400

I totally lost control and messaged Caleb last night. Basically, it was a try at sympathy. Hoping he would respond and talk to me. Hoping for something, that just doesn’t exist. I told him to be careful. Wear protection when you do what you do. I worry about him so much. I know that sex is going to happen, and that I can’t control that, but it still worries me. I wear the pink bracelet he mailed me back in May everyday. I don’t take it off. I feel incomplete without it on. Maybe I care for him too much? Maybe I just shouldn’t have done what I did, and we would still be together. Oh well. Can’t dwell on the past. Like I said in Day 2, you can’t keep moving backward. You gotta push forward. You gotta look in the mirror, smile, and tell the reflection you see, that everything is going to be okay. Is it bad, that I talk to my reflection? I don’t answer, that’s all I know.

The ‘leaving the internet’ thing, is working out really well. Although, I miss talking to people. I need this time alone though. I need this time to find me. To be happy again. I can’t continue living this lie. I can’t continue forcing myself to be happy, when I’m not. I also, don’t feel like wasting much more of my time, on something that isn’t going to happen. Caleb and I were never going to be anything more than an internet fling. I’m glad he is out doing what most teens do. Hanging with friends. Doing stupid stuff. Having sex. Its what I did when I was a teenager. Its most likely what my adopted son/daughter is going to do, and it is most likely what you, the readers, children are going to do, as well. It happens. I think I’m bitter. This is why I’m writing these journal entries, and taking time to figure life out. Enough bitterness. I got the same way with Amy, and that was just uncalled for. I think its just me being old fashioned. Why move on so quickly? Maybe some people can’t handle the pain of not being with that person anymore. I don’t know. Either way, it is what it is.

So, I bought NHL 13 tonight. Friend came over, and he just left, after an hour or so of gaming fun. Its nice to be able to just relax, and actually have real life people encounters. I needed that more then anything. I think I was sick of staring at a screen. I should have been more honest. I should have tried harder. Maybe next time? I sure hope so. You know, the funny thing about life, is how life can be so amazing one day, then complete misery the next. I won’t use the word shit, because life is what it is. You have to create the magic that life can bring. You. Only you. No one can create it for you. You can have someone create magic along with you, together, but you can’t let someone create magic for you. Doesn’t work. I thought it worked that way, and sadly, no. One thing I do know, is that life is looking up for me. I got nowhere to go, but up. I’m going to do something with my life, and it starts soon. It starts real soon. Tired of just sitting around doing nothing. That changes. Three goals I have. One? Write my drivers test. Two? Security. Guard. License. Three? Enroll in a boxing class at the local boxing academy, and explore my options. Explore what is available to me. I would love to be a professional boxer, or wrestler, or MMA. I wanna be something in that line of duty. Maybe I just wanna be known? Okay, you caught me. Still think these are my best options though. Reasons? I’m violent. I have way too much pent-up aggression. I love to be in the center of attention/spotlight.

One day, I will be. I. Will. Be.

Days clean: 3

Days without cuts: 3

Days without thoughts of suicide: 3

Days real: 1

Impressive numbers for the first three. I’m back to one again on days real. That whole Caleb thing last night blew it. I got through the last 24 hours clean though, so that’s good. Improvements will be seen soon enough. Just gotta get there :3

Day 2: To the Rest of My Life

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 20:26:50 -0400

Day 2. The day where you face yourself and admit that you have a problem. The moment in time where you are face to face with the demon inside you, and you declare as loud, and as bold as you can, that you will defeat it anyway possible. I find myself starting to smile again. Really genuine smiles too. I’ve missed that. I looked in the mirror today, and actually smiled at my reflection. How nice it was to see it smile back. I could see it winking too, like I knew I needed to do this. That was a huge boost of confidence for my long journey to work. My bike was stolen over the long weekend, so I’m stuck walking. I don’t complain though. I just smile and go along with my business. I just do what every person has to do, and that is to go make a living. No reason to complain. No right to complain. It was a glorious walk though. I remember smiling at random strangers. Haven’t done that in like 9 months. I remember watching the way people moved along, as if they had somewhere to be, before the rest of the crowd. I could spot the people who were morning people easily. I could spot the not-so-morning people too. They are fun people to joke around with in the morning, because you literally get a glare the entire time. I don’t know, I find that hilarious. I hope for the best really out of the morning conversations with strangers, but people are ~~weird~~ human . I’ve come to that conclusion, and am accepting of it. What I want from life, is most likely different from what they want, so the conversation is nothing more, then just that. A quick little conversation. I miss running into Linda. She is the cross-walk lady that usually greets me at the corner of Holborn and Old Chicopee. Always late for work, when I run into her, but she is a real joy for the poor soul. Relevance of this intersection? My future living spot, I believe. I need to start to look into that actually. Its time to go out and live life on my own, I think. I don’t know. Too scary to think of. Then again, so is life in general.

Days clean: 2.

Days without cutting: 2.

Days without thinking about killing myself: 2.

Days real: 2.

So far, so good. Clean you ask? That’s drugs, smoking, and alcohol. Cutting is self-explanatory. Killing myself? I sure hope not. Real? Well, this involves a few things. Lying, cheating, stealing, being a whore, etc. etc. You know, the usual stuff you don’t do, when in search of a relationship. Also, the stuff you REALLY DON’T DO, when in a relationship. I’m on a roll though. 2 whole days. I’m hoping for better results this go around.

In Memory Of Jamey: Day 1: To The Rest Of My Life

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 20:53:07 -0400

In Memory Of Jamey: Day 1: To The Rest Of My Life:

the0riginalginga:

Friday night, into the wee hours of Saturday morning, I tried to take my own life. I’ve never actually ‘tried’ before, but at around 1:30 am on Saturday, September the 8th, I came within moments of taking my own life. Just saying goodbye to all the bullshit. Taking control back into my own hands,…

love and death and just about anything I can possibly think of

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 21:09:07 -0400

You know what the hardest part of life is? Watching someone you really thought highly of, fall and hit rock bottom so hard, that the next time you talk to them, they aren’t the same person they were the last time you shared a conversation with them. Since February, I’ve kept everything inside. I’ve put on a smile, covered my scars, and just kept all my darkness inside, where I thought it belonged. Depressing people isn’t my style. I only want people to smile and be positive and love life. There is no reason to hate life as much as I do. I’ve seen things. Been involved in things. Been dragged through the dirt, and put myself on the hot seat more then once, that my butt doesn’t burn anymore. I’ll tell you this though. I wouldn’t trade what I’ve experienced for anything. I find that I’ve learned enough from my mistakes, and from my experiences, that I need to start to better myself. People always say to me these days ‘You’re different. What happened to your smile and your energy?’ If I could answer that, I would, but unfortunately, I’ve lost my smile, my brightness, that thing that made me go. It just doesn’t exist anymore. I thought I found it. May 4, 2012, is a day that I won’t ever forget. I thought it was the start to my new life. The new me. My future husband was with me, and I honestly, truthfully thought he was the one. I can’t even explain to you, the feelings I get now when we talk. Just pure anger. Pure hate. Then last night, the end of my life. He told me what happened, which I am thankful for, and he probably needed that, just as much as I did. I just lost it though. Everything came to the forefront and I found myself literally screaming inside. It has to be the worst experience I’ve ever been through. Crawling on the floor, grunting, begging for the pain to stop. I could feel my heart. I could see a tunnel. I could see that light that people talk about. I could feel my throat closing. I wasn’t crawling to get free though. I was crawling to grab the sharpest item I could find, to insert as deep into my chest as I could. That would’ve stopped the pain. That would’ve set me free. That’s all I wanna be. I wanna be free. I want people to just see that Cody again. I want people to gain confidence in me again. Not just stare at me, confused to what has happened. Love is such a horrible thing to deal with. Death would be the easiest answer. I choose happiness, over love and death, hence the fake smile. I choose to hide my pain, so others can have a nice experience about me. One thing I hate about these feelings, is not being able to put them into words. I’m just empty. I need something to come along and just steal away my pain. I might have a good thing waiting for me. I’m waiting for him. I’ll gain the strength it takes to wait. Hopefully, if it doesn’t work out, then I don’t break. This strength needs to be found, and fast. I’ll get there. I am determined. I am ready to do this. I’m ready to forgive, and forget, and get this right. I need to get my life right. I need to do it for my Mum. For my Dad. For my brother. I love my brother. I need to do it for Charmander. Oh, how I love that little guy! He has seen me through the worst of times, and the best of times. The moments that have made me sad, and he has let me just hold him and cry. The moments that have made me smile and laugh, and how I’ve danced around with him, and such. Also, the moments where I have been so mad, that I’ve probably hurt him, but where is he? Still by my side. Without Char, I would be dead. I wonder, if I ever will be okay again. I’ve thought about the old days. I’ve thought about how defiant to depression and to sad thoughts I was. How brave I was. How much courage I had. I’ve thought about how stupid I used to look. How ridiculous I probably used to act. Those same people now that judged the good of me, wonder what happened to the Cody they used to know and love. That realization hurts even more, because its a realization that you aren’t real…

drinking

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 23:55:43 -0400

I don’t drink often. Actually, I don’t even really drink. I now know why people get so low. The pain is sometimes unbearable to withstand. I’m not making excuses either though. I fucked up. I want Caleb more then anything. I know I don’t treat him right. I also know I can treat him way better. I just want him. I want him to marry me. I don’t want him to go away. I don’t want him to lose interest in me and then go love someone else. I don’t want that. I just want Caleb. I want Caleb to be with me forever. I know I can do better. I know I’ll treat him better than gold when he is with me in the future. I want him here. Every pay, I would bring home flowers for him. Roses. 12 of them. Even if it cost 60 bucks. I love him so much. We could watch shows together. We could hold each other. We could sleep together. We could laugh together. We could cry together. We could kiss each other. Distance sucks. I try so hard to fight it, but UGH. Whatever. If we make it through the disaster of breaking up, I’ll be shocked…

Caleb

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 18:16:06 -0400

The absolute love of my life. I’m just too broken to be everything he wants and needs. It is unfortunate that we are no longer together and surely I will lose many tears over it, but I have to look forward, as the sun will still shine. Also, I hope me pushing him away helps him find someone awesome. I’m going to miss him. His eyes, his hair, his mouth, his teeth, those ears and THAT NOSE, but surely I will find someone else right? I mean, forever alone doesn’t actually exist does it? Maybe I will write him a letter. Maybe create a video or something. Maybe just forget about it all and kill myself. Why live, if two relationships you’ve been in have been nothing, but trouble. Amy tore every bit of me apart and left me to die. I didn’t die and unfortunately, I glued myself back together. Then I met Brandon and I thought maybe he was going to be my next boyfriend. We talked and he is a pretty cool guy, but he couldn’t do the distance thing, so that ship sailed. Meeting Caleb was surreal. It was like, this boy doesn’t exist. He is fake. No one can be this special. That perfect. When we met, there was no baseball to be spoken of. Then I went and fucked that up too. Common occurrence in my life. Just fuck every good thing right up, so you have nothing. I will miss our late night talks. I will miss our sleeping together. I will miss his voice. I will miss his charm. Is it safe to say that I will just miss him? :’( I just wanna cry…

In Memory Of Jamey: Honestly

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 14:02:29 -0400

In Memory Of Jamey: Honestly:

coderrrrr:

If you have NOTHING better to do then spread hate and tell others to kill themselves, because they are somewhat slightly different then you,then you deserve the worst this world can throw at you. How do you even think for one second, that you deserve to live on this planet, when all you do is…

What’s hard to comprehend is the fact that you are now single. I hear stories of you and they...

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 04:03:15 -0400

What’s hard to comprehend is the fact that you are now single. I hear stories of you and they break my heart. I hear things from people and instantly start to get defiant towards their allegations that they hold against you. I don’t know anything about you, but from what I have observed over the last month or so, it’s easy to tell that people are out to either abuse your reputation or try to make these crazy lies in a scheme to keep you all to yourself. I would do anything to be yours, to be the one you call the love of your life. I have the biggest crush on you. I think about you a lot and I still think that we have enough in common that there would be something there. I wish I knew how to capture your attention. How to be that one that makes you smile.

I just think you are perfect in every way <3

I just wish I was good looking. Not like supermodel status or anything, but at least somewhat...

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 00:09:42 -0400

I just wish I was good looking. Not like supermodel status or anything, but at least somewhat attractive that people stop and somewhat glance in my direction. I mean, my face is a mess due to the sweat and the fact that I don’t know how to keep the acne under control. I have been resisting the ProActiv way for a long time, but now it seems to make more sense as the days go by. To be honest, I just wish I had a nice body with moderately sculpt abs and a nicely toned body. It will never happen thanks to my Gingerness getting in the way. I feel like what I lack in the looks department, I make up for in the intelligence and caring aspects of life. I rarely am sad and am always prepared for the worst, no matter what it be. Anyways, I am just rambling now. I think it’s more or less the wanting someone to love me and just be mine. It will never happen, but it’s fun to dream right? Whatever. Dreams are dreams and never become reality, unless you are the luckiest son of a bitch on the face of the earth. I am far from it, so single forever will just have to do.